


Make Believe

by GoingPlaces



Series: Crimson and Clover [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Fencing, Fights, Insecurity, M/M, Mentions of Other Voltron Characters - Freeform, Past hurt, Unresolved, angst angst and more angst, this is mostly plot stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 07:55:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13359906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoingPlaces/pseuds/GoingPlaces
Summary: Lotor's past gets in the way of his relationship with Keith





	Make Believe

The wind is knocked out of Lotor as he lands backwards on the mat, eyes squeezing shut as he winces in pain. He rolls onto his side and into the fetal position as if curling in on himself might stop the ache in his lower back. There is a ringing in his ears that drowns out the sound of his concerned teammates. All eyes are on him and he knows it, especially  _ his  _ eyes. Lotor looks up to see Thace offering a hand to him. He takes it reluctantly and allows himself to be lifted to his feet, refusing to take his eyes off the floor. He doesn't want to risk looking at  _ him  _ and seeing nothing but pity in those violet eyes that he once yearned for. Coach Kolivan is standing in front of him now, putting a hand on his shoulder, asking him if he's alright. Lotor nods, still staring at the floor; he'd simply lost his balance.

 

For the third time this week.

 

"Lotor, I don't know what's gotten into you lately but I'm starting to get tired of it. You used to be one of our top competitors and now it's like you're a novice," Kolivan scolds him. Lotor gives a quiet 'Yes, sir' in response. He doesn't see it but he can tell that Kolivan is rolling his eyes. "You know what? You're on the bench until further notice. Take some time to get your shit together, got it?" Another nod. "Hit the showers, Lotor."

 

_ Gladly _ , Lotor thinks as he stalks out of the small gym. He pushes open the door to the men's locker room and heads towards his locker. There's no grace in the removal of his uniform as he practically rips it off of his body, not even bothering to fold it. He stuffs the garments into his locker and slams it shut before heading into the showers. Water sprays violently from the shower head as he turns it on and adjusts the temperature to nearly scalding. Steam fills the air around him as he pulls the hair tie out from his hair, the braid he had done coming loose. Lotor then steps under the water and lets it cascade excruciatingly down his body. Every part of his skin stings from the heat but he craves it, anything to take his mind off of his heartache. Anything to take his mind off of Keith.

 

That wonderful night when Keith had asked him to stay happened three weeks ago to the day and they have not touched each other since. They barely speak when they see each other and refuse to spar during practice. Lotor knew this would happen eventually. He knew that they were becoming too close, too familiar. So that morning, after spending the night cuddled up to the only other person who understands him besides his roommates, Lotor woke up before sunrise and got the hell out of there. No goodbye, no explanation. He just left, knowing full well that this would be the consequence. Distancing himself from Keith is probably for the best. He will become the best member of the fencing team, win the championship, and find someone worthy of his love. Someone who will be unafraid to love him back. They’ll live happily ever after and Lotor will live alone so that he will never be able to let himself get hurt.

 

Lotor washes himself methodically, taking his time. By the time he is finished, the water has returned to a normal temperature and soothes away the sting that it previously gave him. He turns off the faucet and walks out of the stall to begin drying himself off. Once he's satisfied, he returns to his locker and dresses in his street clothes. Lotor is just beginning to braid his hair again when he hears the door of the locker room open and close. He doesn't look back as he says, "Look Coach, I'm just going through something right now and I don't really wanna talk about it."

 

"And why the hell not?" asks a voice that is very obviously not Coach Kolivan's. Lotor freezes for a moment, swallowing dryly before turning around to look at Keith. His normally stoic expression has morphed into a mixture of devastation and rage and Lotor should not be turned on by this. Keith’s cheeks are flushed from training and his bangs are sticking to his forehead from excessive sweating. He stands in the middle of the room with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. For a second, Lotor just stares at him, unable to determine whether or not he should choose fight or flight. Every instinct he has has is telling him to side with flight, just run away and avoid the confrontation that he should have seen coming. If only he were able to move his goddamn feet.

 

He chooses a third option, turning back to his locker and stuffing its contents into his messenger bag. “I said I don't wanna talk about it, Keith.” Lotor can feel the tether between them beginning to stretch to the limit as the words echo against the tiled walls of the locker room. Even after weeks of not speaking, they are still connected to each other. This became so much deeper than he had ever intended and his heart is breaking because of it. So he has to push Keith further away, he has to force the tether to snap.

 

When Keith puts a hand on his shoulder, Lotor shoves it off. The tether pulls. “You never wanna talk,” Keith spits. Lotor acts as though he doesn't hear him and slings his bag over his shoulder. He turns, refusing to look Keith in the eye, and walks towards the exit- or at least tries to. Almost as if he had read Lotor's mind, Keith grabs his wrist as he passes and holds it in an ironclad grip. “Why don't you want to talk to me?!” Keith screams. Lotor focuses his eyes on the ground, glaring at the grimy tile so that he doesn't have to watch as tears start to stream down Keith's face. “Why can't you just look at me and tell me what's wrong?! I thought-! I thought that we didn't have to keep secrets or hide our feelings or any of that other bullshit!” Lotor squeezes his eyes shut to stop himself from crying. He can feel the tether starting to break.

 

“We never had that, Keith,” he says and finally looks up at him. Keith's cheeks are red and blotchy as fat tears roll down them like a river. His violet eyes are glassy and begging Lotor to do something, anything, if it means they can fix this. Little does he know that Lotor has already decided. “All either of us had was a warm body to fall into bed with when we needed to get off. At least, that's what I had.”

 

Keith violently shakes his head. “You're lying! Why are you doing this?! You know that night was special! You know it meant something! Why can't you tell the truth?!”

 

All Lotor can see now is red. This has to end. “Have you ever thought that maybe I am telling you the truth?! That you never meant anything to me?! All you were good for was a good fuck, Keith. That's all you'll ever be good for!”

 

He feels the smack before he can even register that Keith had moved to give it to him. Lotor raises a hand to feel his cheek, hot and stinging. Eyes wide, he looks at Keith and sees that he's succeeded in breaking the tether, in breaking Keith. He is visibly trying to keep his composure as he wipes at his eyes and face, having released Lotor's wrist and starting to rush to the exit. Lotor watches as he leaves, part of him wanting to take everything back and run to comfort Keith but the damage has been done. When Keith hesitates at the door, there is a moment where Lotor's heart jumps at the thought that he might walk back to him and they might fix what he has broken. Wishful thinking. Keith's expression is blank as he opens the door. “You know, Lotor… if you keep pushing people away the second they start to get close to you, all you'll ever be is alone,” he says in an unwavering voice before exiting the locker room.

 

The silence is suffocating as Lotor attempts to pull himself together, Keith's words ringing in his ears. He forces himself to start walking after a moment and begins moving on autopilot. He doesn't remember walking to his car or the drive back to the apartment. He does take note that his roommates are nowhere to be found. No one is there to ask him if he's alright and he is grateful for this. Lotor goes straight to his room and places his bag on his desk before throwing his body onto his bed. A breath he didn't realize he was holding releases in the form of a devastated sob. Tears flow freely from his eyes as he keens into the comforter.

 

God, he really fucked up this time.

 

Every relationship he had had in the past typically ended the same way. Lotor would feel like he was becoming too close to someone and push them away as quickly as he could. Keith had snuck up on him in more ways than one. At first, Lotor had been jealous of him for all of the reasons that they were the same. They both excelled in fencing, worked their asses off to earn high marks in their classes, and had grown up in estranged homes. Keith always seemed to move through everything effortlessly, like nothing could touch him. Only when Lotor started to get to know him on a more intimate level did jealousy turn into infatuation and infatuation turn into something much more terrifying- love.

 

Loving Keith had been easier than he could have ever imagined, so much so that he hadn't even realized that he did until now. He wants to believe that this is for the best. Why would Keith want to love someone like Lotor anyway? Lotor, who would rather deal with his problems by keeping them all trapped inside instead of solving them like a normal person. Lotor, who wanted to please his parents so desperately that he killed himself everyday studying for a major he hated just to feel like maybe he wasn't a disappointment. Lotor, who hated himself so much that he would push away the only person he loved so that they would never have to see how broken he is. He fucked this up but… maybe he can make believe that he did the right thing.

 

He doesn't hear the door open or the shuffling of feet on the carpet but feels the dip in the mattress and the fingers that brush his bangs out of his face. Lotor looks up to see Acxa sitting by his side while Ezor, Zethrid, and Narti stand at the edge of the bed. Acxa gives him a sympathetic expression before pulling him into a comforting embrace. He sobs into her neck, mumbling what he had done as she shushes him and pets his hair. Another body hugs him from behind while another causes the mattress to dip even further and reaches to hold his hand. For a moment he thinks that the last of his roommates might try to squeeze their way onto to the mattress before he makes out the sound of Acxa quietly asking Narti to bring them some tea. Lotor takes a deep breath and tries to calm himself down. He sits back as much as Acxa and Ezor, being the one to hold him from behind, allow him to. Zethrid squeezes his hand and passes him the box of tissues from his desk. He does his best to smile at her before wiping his eyes and blowing his nose.

 

Narti returns with a tray of cups and a teapot, Kova mewling and pattering closely at her heels. She sets the tray down on the desk and begins to pour them all a cup of tea. Lotor pulls himself together as Acxa and Ezor let him out of their embrace. He sits back against the pillow that isn't drenched with tears. They pass him the first cup and he blows on the scalding liquid. He takes a steady sip so as to not burn his tongue and the warmth soothes his constricted throat. Lotor starts to feel like he can breathe again. They sit in relative silence for who knows how long, the girls casually exchanging small talk while giving Lotor his space. Only when their cups have emptied for a second time does Acxa clear her throat and say, “Lotor, it's okay if you don't want to talk about it but we're here for you if you do.”

 

Lotor sighs and picks at the hem of his jeans. “I, uh... I broke up with Keith today.”

 

“Is it really ‘breaking up’ if you weren't technically dating in the first place?”

 

“Ezor-”

 

“No, Acxa,” Lotor says. “She's right. We weren't dating so why should I be upset? It's not like we really cared about each other-”

 

Zethrid scoffs. “We all know that's bullshit.”

 

“Even so,” Acxa steps in, “You're obviously choosing to ignore your feelings for him. Why is that?”

 

Lotor looks between them and shakes his head. “I don't know…”

 

A hand reaches for his, pulling it away from his jeans and gripping it gently. Narti gives him a knowing expression, one of understanding. He pauses for a moment before taking a deep breath.

 

“I love him,” Lotor sighs. “I love him and that terrifies me. I didn't think I could after…”

 

“He who shall not be named?” Ezor asks.

 

Lotor scoffs. “I suppose that's as good a phrase as any.”

 

“I think I could come up with a more colorful nickname than that,” Zethrid offers. The playful tone in her voice almost causes him to laugh and already he is beginning to feel better. That is until Acxa brings him back to the topic at hand.

 

“You need to talk to Keith. From what I can tell, he clearly cares about you in a way that Throk didn't,” she explains. “I think you should just be honest with him  _ and _ yourself.”

 

“What if he doesn't want to listen?” Lotor asks in a small voice.

 

“Then you have to respect that,” Acxa says, “But you have to first put in the effort to  _ try _ to make it work.”

 

Lotor nods, staring at the the empty mug in his hands and whispering a broken thank you. They each give him a reassuring embrace before exiting the the bedroom, leaving him to think everything over on his own. He eventually breathes out a long sigh, sets the mug down on the nightstand, and falls back on to the mattress. Burrowing into the covers, Lotor turns on his side and stares aimlessly out the window, already beginning to think of what to say to Keith when he starts to doze off.

 

Hours later, Lotor wakes from a dreamless sleep to a pitch black room. The darkness disorients him as he searches for his cell, finally finding the device amongst the tousled sheets. When he presses the home button, the brightness assaults his eyes and he has to take several moments to adjust to the blinding screen. The time reads 2:28 am and he sees several notifications from earlier. After unlocking the screen, he sees that the messages are all from his cousin, Allura. He opens those first, figuring that she probably heard about what happened from either Acxa or Keith's roommate, Shiro. The majority of the texts just state that if he needs to confide in someone then she's always available while others basically restate what Acxa already told him to do. He appreciates the sentiment and makes a mental note to stop by the Café of Lions in the morning to thank her in person.

 

Though their relationship was strained for much of their early years, Lotor and Allura have grown closer as family members since starting at the university. She's become more of a friend to him recently and knows that he can trust that she won't judge him for his issues. He knows what he has to do, however, and he has faith that he can fix this mess. The thought that his family and friends have faith in him as well only builds his confidence even more.

 

Yet that insecurity is still eating at him, the memories of his relationship with Throk beginning to surface. Acxa’s reassurance echoes in the back of his mind:  _ He clearly cares about you in a way that Throk didn't _ . Lotor pushes those memories away, refusing to let them sabotage his actions any further. He just has to focus on what really matters now, which is thinking of the right way to apologize to Keith, no matter what that leads to. He is not going to let the past get in the way of what could be the most meaningful relationship he's ever had.

 

Lotor backs out of his messages and opens up his notes application to start writing out his apology. The least he can do is be articulate with his words so that he doesn't sound like a complete idiot. Just as he begins to get into a rhythm though, he receives a new message and he has to do a double take because he honestly doesn't believe that it's from the actual sender. He pulls down the drop-down menu and low-and-behold, there is Keith’s name staring back at him. Lotor swallows, unsure of what to do. The logical answer is to open it, to see what the message says, yet the insecurity starts to creep back inside him. What could Keith possibly have to say to him at nearly three in the morning? The most-likely conclusion is that he's been seething all day and is finally going to unleash his anger over text. He knows that it is something that Keith would do. There's also the possibility that it could be the exact opposite, that the text could be a plea for answers.

 

Curiosity gets the better of him and Lotor clicks on the notification, surprise coloring his expression at what the message actually says.

 

**Keith:**

_ I can't sleep. I shouldn't even be texting you but you're the only person on my mind. All I want is answers. You owe them to me. _

 

Lotor stares at the screen for a moment before typing out a response.

 

**Me:**

_ You're right. I do owe you. I'd like to apologize in person but only if you're comfortable with that. _

 

Five minutes pass before his phone lights up again.

 

**Keith:**

_ Come over. Now. _

 

Lotor blinks. He glances at the time, seeing that the clock on his phone reads 3:12 am. Well. He wasn’t planning on going back to sleep anyways.

 

**Me:**

_ On my way. _

**Author's Note:**

> It will get better, I promise! I'm not ready to give up on these boys yet!
> 
> Please feel free to leave feedback or come visit me on [tumblr](http://baileyboy001.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
